i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
