this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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