I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize