Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
