I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
