Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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