I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My vagina is officially offended.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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