I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
