i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
