you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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