I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
