mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize