The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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