It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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