I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
