Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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