WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize