She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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