ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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