I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
