I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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