why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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