i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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