3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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