hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
