I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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