dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
