I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
