someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
being pregnant is like rehab
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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