There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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