I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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