She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
