Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
