"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
