oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize