I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
