I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
