i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
