she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
