I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
