I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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