if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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