Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
