I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
