Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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