i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
