i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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