He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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