I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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