my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
