also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize