I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
