my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
