I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize