New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she peed on how many people?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
