I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize