i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize