the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
